How Do I Live Without You...

Less than two months ago, I lost my dad to cancer. Everything just happened so fast; from the time he started chemo to when he passed away was 2 months… Things haven’t been easy, and I don’t know when it will get easier.

Some days I feel okay, but other days I just feel like crying. Some days I  just feel that he’s not gone, that he’s still here, and he’ll be back home any minute.  I just can’t accept the fact that I’m never going to see him again, it’s too hard.

I’m trying to cope with everything, but sometimes it seems impossible.

I keep telling myself and everyone else that I’m okay…but I don’t know if I am. At times, I really feel okay, I go to work, I smile, I go shopping; but at others, I just feel like crying, or angry, or I snap at people for no reason at all, or just in a ‘whatever’ mode.

I just feel depressed most of the time; at work I stopped going out to lunch with my colleagues because I just didn’t feel like it. I barely eat, I just have one meal a day…and I know it’s not healthy but I could care less! I don’t have an appetite. I don’t feel like hanging out with my friends, or doing anything at all at times.

I have some regrets, the first being that I didn’t spend New Year’s Eve with my family like I usually do. Instead, I was at a friend’s party. If I had known that this would be the last New Year’s Eve with my dad, I would have stayed home.  I also regret not spending enough time with him when he was sick. He was usually sleeping because he was in pain. Although I used to sit with him at times, I just didn’t know what to do, or say. I never thought I was going to lose him. I thought he was going to get better.

And even when the first treatment didn’t work, I hoped that there will be a different treatment. I never lost hope. I prayed every single night, I slept with a rosary under my pillow and a picture of Jesus and the Virgin Mary next to my bed, but my prayers were not answered! I never lost hope, not even for a second.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a Heaven…or is it just a way to make ourselves feel better. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal, to feel that my dad is not gone, that he is still here and that he’ll be back any minute. I don’t know how I’m going to accept the fact that I’m never going to see him again. That we will never talk or laugh together anymore.  I don’t know how I’m going to deal with missing him every day, or deal with the pain of losing him. It’s very hard and I don’t know when it will get easier…or if it will get easier. 

Sometimes I wish and hope that this is all one big nightmare and I will wake up and everything will be okay and my dad would still be here….

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